Early mornings

Here I sit listening to the sounds of my sleepy home. Being woken up at 3am to the sounds of my daughter crying. Sometimes the medicine she has to take to help her use the bathroom works too well in the middle of the night. Having stripped bedding, started laundry, cleaned her up and put her back to sleep, my mind is in overdrive. These morning are spent validaiting my role as a dad.As I ruminate over the last five crazy years, I look at the changes that I have gone through. Culminating in the birthday celebrations of the pervious four days, I now have a six year old.A six year old.Where has the time gone? Better yet, what have I done with this time that I have been given? As I listen to the sleeping sounds of my children, my pregnant beloved, and even our dog, I am left to wonder about it all. I see the struggles that no one else sees. The hard times we have been through. The mountains we have had to climb either dragging the kids with us, or chasing them upwards. I know, prenting, done right, is never easy.But what about rest? What about finding time to be still? “You need to stop and smell the roses” is something I hear far too often. However, even when I try in earnest, days like today happen. Over and over again. I took a vacation to spend time with family. To get away from stress. To rest and be still. Instead, every single day I have been sleeping less and less.But there is time with the kids. There has been moments. Unintentionally amazing moments and memories. Laughter, tickle fights, nature walks, even lazy cuddle on the couch and watch Peg + Cat moments. So why am I exhausted?It has been a full five years. From the moment Zoey came on the scene things needed to be different. There were new words to learn, procedures to discuss, pain and fear to work through. All while maintaining a brave face. Not for anyone other than Zoey. She never demanded, but has always deserved my best. Such a strong and brave soul is contained in that little body.This translated to being the dad that David has needed. He is the embodiment of the thing so many parents sy under their breath. “Some day you will have a kid just like you…”. Yeah, I do. Smart, adventurous, aggressive, defiant, little version of me. Still, my little buddy. Showing me countless times that long after I am gone he will be there to take care of his siblings. I know he will do well, just have to keep him alive.Follow the twin tornados (seriously what David and Zoey can do to a house in five mins is mind blowing) comes my respite. Sweet little Jacob. The most mild mannered of the three. Happy to run and play, or cuddle just the same. Quick with a smile, a hug, a laugh. But, he is nearing two, and the signs are there. This is going to be a fun round of the terrible twos.I know not what #4 will bring. What special kind of chaos he will add to this mixing pot of a family. But, I am as ready as I can be for him to arrive.But all of this is a good kind of exhausting. But does it need to be exhausting is the question. I am sure that some day I will be able to find a pattern that will allow sleep. Though it really is not about the amount of sleep. It is about finding time to be still.Time to go change the laundry, and empty the dishwasher.Live big, love bigger, and be kind, always.
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