One more day.........
Though that song is so very fitting for the emotions running though my soul right now, it is the honest account that we have but tomorrow to cram as much fun, laughter, excitement, joy, compassion and tender moments in. As I type this the countdown has reached 33 hours. Perhaps I am cynical for realizing that there is 33 hours until my daughters procedure begins. I could rant and rave about how my time in the military attuned me to countdowns long and short. But that would be little more than a foundation as to why this countdown exists.
As a cranio dad, the burden is heavy. It rests upon our hearts, souls and shoulders, and is an ever constant weight. Sure, there are times that we tend to forget that the weight is there. But, all too soon we are reminded. Be it a thought that appears in a flash, an event, a comment… something ALWAYS reminds us of this weight.
We develop methods for keeping track of so many things, not unlike and other awesome dad trying to do his best. But, countdowns are all too common of an occurrence in this world that craniosynostosis has brought me into. In the case of the remaining 33 hours. That is what my heart, mind, body and soul has left for all the hugs, kisses, caresses, nuzzles, cuddles, laughter, moments, and anything else that can be crammed in. There is the unsettling fear that Cranio Dad’s all face, regardless if their amazing cranio kid has only one surgery, or a multitude… we never know what the outcome will be… but we are assured that during the procedure that lies ahead we will have nothing more than the memories of things like these last 33 hours, playing over, and over, and over, and over, and over in the theater of our mind as we sit distant and cold in a waiting room.
All of this is taking place while we are trying to remain strong for our better halves, the ones that seemed to show little fear or worry in the hours leading up to the procedure, but crumple along with us at the moment that our baby is taken back. For some, this lot is too much to be asked of them; the constant weight, the detached loneliness in a crowded room, and the plea to be the one that holds up another during the same ordeal. I am not sure how I am going to make it through this one, but I know that I will make it through, because my beloved bride needs me to, because my super son needs me too, and (last but never least) because my darling daughter will wake up after going through this, eyes swelled shut, in an intolerable amount of pain and confusion, and I am certain that the first words that will scream dryly from her mouth is “Daddy”.
When this moment happens, and my heart wants to simultaneously shatter and explode, THIS is when being a cranio dad becomes more than just a title, it becomes your everything.
I AM A CRANIO DAD, I am scared out of my mind, and can time slow just a little… just this once?