Rant, Vent, etc...

Today just seems like one of those days.  You know the kind.  Tossed and turned all night last night, way too much on my mind, nice and overcast outside, It would be a great day for a velociraptor attack, a little warm in the office…. *sigh*.  Since I am caught up with my work (because I came in for 4 hours last night) I figured I would turn back to my old friend, Tumblr.  This is going to be a busy and intense week for us (beautiful bride and darling Zoey).  She is still scheduled for her surgery at 7am on Wednesday, which means we have to make it to the hospital for pre-op sometime between 5:30am and 6am.  Neither my beautiful wife nor I are taking this too well.  The stress and tension that we are both feeling as we try to deal with this is visible, palpable, and absolutely wrecking shop on us.  But, there is always Zoey, whom has been in such an incredibly happy mood that you would think that it would make it easier.  It does not, dear readers, it does not.  My wife is finding it hard to talk about, I am dealing with the great “unknown” in such a way that I am finding what little fuse I have been able to develop since marrying my darling wife, and becoming a father to our beautiful Zoey, seems to have become non-existent again.  I do not think that it is the procedure that is bothering me, at least not as much as it could.  I know that Zoey is going to be in amazing hands, and I have given that worry up to God.  What continually seems to be bother me, the thing that has caused me to have little break downs EVERY DAY (seriously, sneaking off to the bathroom to ball my eyes out during work, or going into our spare bedroom in the middle of the night to do the same) is my concern for Zoey.  We (my wife and I) are going to have to leave our precious, darling, sweet Zoey before they put her to sleep.  Then, she is going to go through surgery and awake BEFORE we are allowed back in the room.  She is going to be in a new place, surrounded by people that she does not know, hungry and in pain, and we will not be there (at first) to comfort her.  Taking care of my darling wife and Zoey are my most important duties that I have on this earth, and there is a large part of me that feels that in not being there for her when she wakes up I am failing her in some way.  This precious little girl is already looking for her mommy or her daddy when she gets shots, evaluated, or blood drawn.  All she needs is to hear our voice, and she calms (not completely but still).  She did so well when they took SIX vials of blood for her last genetics work up because I was right there, holding her head and hand, whispering to her.  It was surreal to realize and experience, as she looked deep in my eyes and was calm the entire time.  It made me feel like I was doing my part.  Now, in this case, I am not afforded the ability to be there.  Yes, I understand that parents seeing there little ones “put under” and intubated can be very, very hard on them.  I completely understand that.  But, I would much rather be there when she wakes up, or at least within minutes (after they have taken out her intubation) to comfort her… to comfort my wife… to comfort me.  Perhaps there is something wrong with my thought process on this, perhaps I am making this too big of a deal.  I am not sure.  All that I know is that I am an emotional wreck because my baby girl has to go through this… and this is the LITTLE surgery.  At least one thing that has been made for certain, in the few days that will proceed the BIG surgery (sometime early next year) I will be taking a few days off to spend at home with my wife and daughter.  Sorry for the rambling… just needed to vent.

I AM A DAD, I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND………………………..