So many things that are going on.  My darling daughter always impresses me with her strength, will and tenacity.  We are starting to see a change in her sleep patterns, meaning that she is starting to cry less and less through the night.  I still think that the main issue is that she bumps her head on the crib, but we have bumpers up… so yeah.  She is continuing to grow, eat more, and gain levels of independence.  She is still the same ham as ever when it comes to showing off, but it is so darn cute.

The turning of the screws is still one heck of a fight, physically and emotionally.  It should go without saying, but as a dad, I want nothing more than to take all of this pain, distress, discomfort and everything else away from her.  I want it all to be on me to deal with, so that she can be happy, and experience life in a beautiful way. 

I cannot get angry or frustrated with the unique ninja and jiu-jitsu skills that she is showing when it comes to avoiding the screwdriver, the resounding click-click-click-click as the distracter arm is turned echoing throughout her skull, the large warm hands of her father holding her head in such a way that she has nowhere to go.  The cries that she bellows out rip through my flesh and bones, imploding my heart as they travel deep to the depths of my soul, shaking my foundation.  The tears that flow from her eyes, they burn like acid upon my hands; they mix with my own to make an evil cocktail of pain and remorse. Twice a day, three turns in all, two distracters… this has been going on for the last 25 days, and continues until we can go no more.  This final point is not derived by a measurement of will, endurance, or determination, but by the ability to connect one end of the screwdriver to the end of the distracter and turn it.  It is by that measurement alone that we will know completeness in this task, and that is a sobering realization.

However, all of this being said, in the wake of this even, there is a matter of mere moments that pass and she is back to her normal self.  Her eyes are bright, full of love and joy.  She runs around hysterically laughing and exploring.  As my heart picks up the pieces of my soul and stiches it back together, I always remark at how wrong I always seem to be.  I was worried that becoming a Cranio Dad would in some strange way reflect poorly upon me as a dad, and as a man.  I have never been proven as wrong in my life as my darling daughter has proven to me that being a Cranio Dad is an honor.  It takes very incredible men to be cranio dads… but more on that later.  Though I long to take all of this ‘stuff’ away from my sweet, beautiful little lion-hearted daughter, I realize that it is through all of this that she is going to have a beautiful life.  That she is growing a deep understanding of what parental love truly is.  She shows us in her little ways that she knows that we do not want this for her, but we love her so intensely that we will do all that is needed to make sure that she continues to grow, continues to experience life in her own, incredible beautiful way.

A few notes of awesomeness with this catch up:

On Saturday one of my amazing sister-in-laws came over with her son.  It was awesome to see how much he has grown, and have some time to connect.  It was also awesome to see how my darling daughter reacted to another little one in the house.  After a few short moments, they were chasing each other (more to say that he was chasing her as she is running and he is crawling), there was some sharing of toys going on, and Zoey exhibited many moments of care and compassion for a younger, still crawling person.  She is going to be a FANTASTIC older sister.

I was not feeling all that well on Sunday, so I stayed home with Zoey while my wife kept to church and small group.  I am not really allotted long lengths of time with my daughter, purely based on schedules.  But, the 4 hours that I was able to spend with her… was fantastic.  This time meant the world to me, it was like a proving ground of fatherhood.  We ate, played, chased each other, read, ate some more… and I was finally able to get her down for a nap.    There were numerous diaper changes, of varied potency and consistency, an outfit change, I caught an elbow to the eye and very stout shoe to the mouth, and all of it was awesome.  I know that in the days to come that this will become more of the norm as my soon to be son is just a few days away, and I am ever-so grateful for it.

I am sure that I am forgetting some things here, but that is ok… for now.  Here we are on Monday, caught up in full, dates are correct (rather than fix it I did this… it is my blog, deal with it).  More later.

I AM A CRANIO DAD, I am scared out of my mind, and through the trials of life, the sun still shines above the clouds.