Time
Well, here we are. In six hours we will be getting up and preparing for the drive to the hospital. We made the most of this day, countless giggles and smooches from my darling daughter, a completely impromptu and private family moment at the pumpkin patch (tons of pictures to be posted in the near future), packed everything we and our little one need… Staged and ready to be loaded into the van……… But where did the day go?
I ask this knowing that time is relative, we as the ones who experience it’s passing always long for the second hand to tick, and pray that it ticks just a little slower. The stress of what we have been preparing for has mounted to this single, solitary moment… A flash in the pan if you will. But what does that mean to the parents of a beautiful, strong little girl who has no idea what she is going to go through tomorrow? Honestly, it gives us a push for living in these moments, the time in between the ticks, and not just to exist… But to LIVE.
In just a few ticks I will be laying in bed next to my beloved bride, our silent tears being shared between us, God, and our brilliant border collie. There is no real hope of rest. The fragility of love is that as a parent it is all or nothing. We will talk about our darling daughter, how she has a heart of a lion, and a boundless trust for us, her parents. I will recite my favorite Shakespearean quote about my daughter “Though she be but tiny, she is fierce” a hundred times between this moment and dawn in hopes that I find strength in these words. We will hold each other and become shadows of who we were today in the pumpkin patch. A conjoined body sealed with the heartbreaking, fearful tears that we will never allow in sight of our daughter. Hands griping for each other, searching for the rock that we so desperately need. Our prayers will sobbingly be raised to His ears, in hopes that when the second hand ticks, and the alarm goes off, we will somehow compose ourselves to be what our daughter trusts is to be… Her mommy and daddy.
Even now, the tell tale wrenching of my stomach, and shudders in my breathing make me fully aware of all the ticks, the time in between and my desire for just a few more.
I will be updating as I receive word from the ER, and throughout her stay in the PICU. Again, I ask for prayers, thoughts, candles, whatever it is that you feel is the thing to do. I do not ask these things for me, but for my darling daughter, the team that is going to be working on her, and my beloved bride. For here on this earth, I have my calling… I know my place… It was decided when my daughter was born……………
I AM A CRANIO DAD, I am scared out of my mind, and this too shall pass