What does it mean to be a dad: Learning from our peers.

After my last post (HERE) I found that I was a bit more sure-footed in recognizing my ability to be a good dad due to the fact that my dad was an awesome one. Like anyone striving for self-awareness, I realized that I needed to widen my perspective. Almost instantly I was rocked with the realization of being surrounded by positive and negative role models of fatherhood.  It is from this realization that I have been able to draw inspiration for this post.

How many times have we thought, or even said, “I cannot believe that so-and-so did that?“ or "What kind of dad does that?” about those around us? I feel that the sheer frequency of phrases like that may be a bit surprising, especially the ones we say, and even the ones said about us(shocking I know).  The importance of these statements and the effect that they derive on our understanding of what it means to be a dad is paramount.

Back when I was in college I found myself sitting in what wouldbe one of many Anthropology classes.  This one was a bit more merged withSociology and thus it was ever the more fascinating to me.  In this classI learned something that brings me to where the idea of learning from our peerscomes of great importance.

Social Learning Theory, as first described by Bandura, statesthat we can learn in a social context by observation or instruction.  This goes a bit more into detail aboutlearning from observing others’ rewards and punishments, but is much moreexpansive than other theories.  But whatdoes this mean about learning to be a dad?Simply, as boys become men, they have a widely observable construct in which they take so many things.  This isnot some crackpot theory; it is just a way to explain what we already know.

We learn from those around us.We constantly are watching the actions and the reactions of others andgrooming our thoughts based on our morals and beliefs.  We have ingrained within us the ideals of what itmeans to be a good dad based on what we have seen.  This includes role models that we have frommovies and television.  I could go on andon about the negative swing in the portrayal of dads,let alone men in general, in the recent years in movies, television, commercials,etc.  However, there are plenty of other dadbloggers that are bearing that cross and taking it on gallantly.  

There is a strong pull to look at these things from the ‘purist’social aspect.  But I feel that is aflawed and skewed perspective.  After allwe are all individuals, part of a community none the less, with our own experiencesto draw from. Instead, looking at them though the lenses of a dad trying to figureout what it means to be a dad, let alone a great dad, I think that there ismuch to glean from all of this.  In fact, Jay Pritchet (Ed Nealson) in ModernFamily sums it up extremely well when he says;

“The key tobeing a good dad… well, sometimes things work out just the way you want.  Sometimes they don’t. But you gotta hang inthere. Because when all is said and done, 90% of being a dad is just showing up”.

Thus, when considering the question, “What does it mean to be adad?”, and taking a nod from social learning theory, we can see that there is agleam of hope when it comes to an answer.Simply, being a dad is based on what we can learn in passing. Thereare countless models for which we can pull from to knit together the matrix ofwhat it means to us, independently.Sadly, much as before, this does not truly answer the question, butraises others.  But on the up side, chancesare that there is no true social construct to use as a guidepost when tacklingfatherhood.  Does this mean the end ofour journey? Does the path we are on cease upon our next footfall?  

No, not in the slightest.

One thing that this does mean though, one thing that we can count on asa fundamental answer is that the decisions we make while we arebusy trying to figure out what it means to be a dad are ever-so important.  For our little ones, andmany others, are watching us, learning from us, and deciding how much like us they truly want to be.

I AM A CRANIO DAD, I am scared out of my mind, and there is hopethat one day I will find an answer to this question.