What does it mean to be a dad: Learning from our fathers.

With some time to reflect,and compose, I decided that I would sit down and write what I have learned. Iknow that some of my longtime followers may be getting sick of this phrase, butwhere better to begin… then the beginning.

I am the dad that my father groomed me to be. Throughout mychildhood I have been blanketed by constant and frequent memories of my dad’slove, patience, understanding and care that he had for me. As I have grown intothis role of being a dad, I am eternally presented with shadows of a timebefore when the world looked so very different and much, much bigger. Theseimages, that harken from my heart and play like a silent 8mm film (sad how somany out there will not experience that) in the theater of my own mind.

From the very moment of my daughter’s birth, the way that my dadhas been preparing me started to show. I have a crisp recollection of my tearchoked voice reaching out to him on the phone as I struggled to say “Dad, thereis something wrong with my little girl”. Even the thought of that moment intime brings tears to my eyes as I write it now. Without missing a beat my dadcalmed me down, and walked me through what I knew at that point. He told methat he was certain that things would be fine, and to try to hold it together, thatthe need for me to be a dad, a husband, a friend, and a voice has never beenmore prevalent that at that very moment. With firm reassurance he told me thathe was going to be on his way as soon as he could, that he KNEW that I could dothis, that he was so very proud of me, and that he loved me. I am sure that heknew that at the moment he said those words, he pulled me back.

All too often, as I have come to find out during my journey, theshock of realizing that there is an issue with your newborn baby can be so muchthat you spiral into some of the deepest hell that you may ever know. Everyone always has this perfect being and this perfect moment in theirmind.  Yet, it is not until birth that many things are to be known, forthat is the moment that we finally get to see our sons and daughters. Now, I am not so vain that I am likening my situation to that of thescores of others out there that have things much more difficult.  I am,however, stating that I have some degree of understanding.

I can say that regardless of how I felt in those first moments,and in the days that followed as much came to light, that my heart has beenever growing in love with my sweet little girl. But, there is a part of me thatrealizes that without my father’s pushing, without his steadfast love, andamazing role modeling, that the immensity if not the entirety of my ability tobe the dad that my little girl needs, the one that she loves, the one that shedeserves may be called into question.  For it is through what he has shownme, that I have been able to become who I am today.

Over the years, those words that my dad said that morning, “theneed for me to be a dad, a husband, a friend, and a voice has never been moreprevalent that at that very moment”, has pushed me time and time again. Throughthe surgeries, the recoveries, the drowning in information with no answers,through it all it has pushed me. It has driven me to find strength that residesin me that I can see he passed on to me. Through his hard work, the tuff punishments,the rewards, the examined failures, through it all my dad embodied me with theresolve to be stronger than I thought I could be. Much like his love for me, Ihave learned to love my children with the fire of a thousand suns, and to neverbe too bashful to show it. I have learned to be a voice for the voiceless,working with doctors and nurses to find the best for my kids. I have learned tostand in the gap between my family and the rest of the world, the ever-presentprotector.

You might think that it is in all of this that I may have foundmy answer, but the reality is that only in part.

I AM A CRANIO DAD, I amscared out of my mind, and without my dad, I could not be the dad I am today.